Getting back in the saddle

Sometimes, you have to just start typing.  I have been on a hiatus – not writing my blog and barely writing anything else.  I have been watching ridiculous but entertaining youtube videos or shopping on Amazon.  (At the moment, I avoid facebook because I’m tired of all the smear ads and posts about who to vote for…I hate election years!)

My mind has been on a marathon run.  Trying to avoid the sadness and grief over the loss of my brother.  This way, it feels like he is still there — up on the hill, eating ice cream and watching television or working in the woods somewhere.

His funeral was lovely, respectful, heart-wrenching.  There was a huge crowd and it was sad for everyone.  It was not a religious ceremony but it was spiritual in that we all felt a presence.  The eulogy was written by his family and it was funny and touching.  There was a military ceremony with a 21 gun salute and folding of the flag.  There was also a “last call” ceremony because he worked in law enforcement.  That was heartbreaking.

He was a good and kind man.  He had many friends and people respected him and genuinely liked him.

Since his death, I have been thinking a lot about his wife and family.  I am very sad for them because I can still pretend he is here — I didn’t see him everyday and it feels as though little has changed.  It is very different for them.  With each new day, they awaken to the loss.  They will miss seeing him, talking to him, being with him.  Everywhere they go, someone will express their condolences and they will be reminded again that he is gone.  It will take much more time for them to grieve.

I’ve also thought about my relationship with my brother.  Most of my deep love and attachment comes from our childhood.  We were close, with regular contact, just until our mid-twenties.  After that time, we only saw each other in passing or on holidays; kids birthdays or sporting events.  The bonds we shared were very strong but they weren’t from spending time together as adults – not with any regularity.  Each of us grew into lives of our own and the sibling relationship was part of the periphery of those lives.  And yet, the bonds remained.

There are many rules and roles in a family – and they follow you all of your life.  My brother was the oldest, the strongest, the biggest.  He laughed at us and with us.  He watched over us.  He teased us mercilessly.  He took us on many adventures.  If he were here now, he would say, “time to move on, find something fun and new to do…”