Thinking about mom

by bobaloow

I miss my mother and I must say, I’m a little surprised.  We haven’t been close since I was a little girl.  I miss seeing her drive down the road in her white Ford Taurus.  I miss her stopping by to see what I’m doing (it has been a LONG time since that occurred!).  I miss her phone calls.  I regret not stopping by to visit her more, even though I KNOW that things were not such that I could/would have at the time.  I wish things could have been different.

Mom has dementia.  She will be 80 next month.  Luckily, (I think?) she is still living in her own home.  We’ve taken away her driving privileges, we’ve disconnected her stove.  She has difficulty operating her toaster, coffee maker and microwave.  She has accidents every now and then.  My sisters and I take turns bringing her meals and checking on her.  She can no longer manage her own finances.  For most of the day, she sleeps or watches television. It is very difficult to observe this steady decline.

My mother was raised in Texas.  She grew up in a Baptist family and was the youngest of 4 children.  I suspect she was a little spitfire when she was younger – but I don’t know that for certain.  She really didn’t talk much about herself.  There are stories that I remember from my childhood – about how she and my dad met, married and the things they went through in the beginning of their life together.  I think they were happy then.  As time progressed and life happened, that happiness waned.  Their generation did not communicate well – there was a huge gap between what they each desired and what they each contributed.  There was no common goal.  I’ve always said that their timing was off – he would be willing to try and she would be angry and vice versa.  They could never hit the mark at the same time.  Sad, really, they lived their lives separately in the same house.

My mom told me once, some time after my dad passed away, that they worked together well.  I found it interesting that she would view it that way because I certainly never saw that aspect of their relationship.  We all see things differently, I guess, and it made me realize that I really never knew much about the reality of their relationship.  I think most of us viewed their relationship – especially in the later years – as him being the good guy and her being the bad.  She told me once how much she hated being thought of that way.  But she was very withdrawn and angry – most of the time.  I can remember countless times when we would be at a family gathering and she would suddenly disappear – she would just get in her car and go home, without a word.  Someone (usually my dad) had said something that upset her or she felt as though no one was talking to her.  This was a common occurrence – her getting upset and leaving.

She was not one to really talk about herself, what she was feeling or to express her frustration.  She was angry or depressed for much of her life.  When I look at what she had to overcome – I can certainly understand.  She moved to Montana from Texas as a very young woman with three young children.  My dad’s family was not very welcoming – in fact, they made fun of her accent and the way she took care of her kids.  They lived in a little shanty with no indoor plumbing.  She had to learn to cook on a woodstove.  Eventually, she converted to Catholicism.  She had no friends, especially in the beginning.  Dad was her only real friend and he was comfortable being “home” again – near all of his family and friends.  I think his expectations for her was that she just suck it up and adjust.  How very sad for her – she lost her family, her sense of comfort and her relationship with her husband took a 180° turn, all at the same time.

I think she worked very hard to do the best she could for her children and I am grateful.  She managed to do pretty well considering they had very little money and she had very little emotional support.

Fast forward to today.  As her children, we have to accept that “mom” is mostly already gone.  There are times when she will make a joke about something or tell you something in a complete sentence – a flash of the old mom.  But mostly, she is a shell.  For myself, I have to accept that I will never have the opportunity to make amends for years of misunderstandings on both our parts.  I’ll never be able to fully understand why she did or said the things she did.  We’ll never have the closeness that I’ve always desired.  I will help feed her and clean for her – I will help my sisters make decisions that are best for her.  I will love her and be grateful for all of her efforts as a mom and grandma to my kids.  And I will miss her.